My Husband Rejoices - I Can't Talk

I lost my voice. If you find it will you please direct it back to me? I miss it very much.

It's very annoying to not be able to communicate with people. Even whispering hurts.

My job kind of requires being able to talk. Especially for making phone calls or presentations. A voice sort of helps. Whispering sounds kind of creepy.

I visited my doctor's office and was told it could be two to three WEEKS!!! What the heck!?!?!? I've never lost my voice for that long.

So I'll be staying home for a day or two to try to avoid conversations and whispering. Thankfully there are some things I can get done with out speaking.

I'm quite frustrated right now.

The Crazy Life Has Taken Over

I had this great idea...I'll be my own boss, work at home, set my schedule, and spend more time with my family and maybe even clean my house a little better (or at all).

Yeah...reality. Wall.

We missed Marshal's swimming lessons last Thursday because he was being a stinker...he's learned how to throw fits. Real, loud, messy, annoying fits. He's too young to know how to throw a fit. I thought I had at least another 6 months.

If he does not get his way - whether it's going into the kitchen or trying to use us as a walking partner - he screams from the very deepest part of his throat. Once we figured out WHAT he was doing, we breathed a sigh of releif. We thought something was wrong with him.

So now we're ignoring it...while trying not to laugh. It's cute right now. I'm sure as he gets older it will become less cute.

We missed his swimming lessons on Tuesday because I had a training class and hubby had to work late. And now we might miss this Thursday's due to scheduling conflicts. Luckily his nanny has a hot tub so he's gotten to start playing in that now. So at least he's getting swim time, even if it's not with daddy or mommy.

But that's depressing to me. I want to have more time with my boy. And this week it feels like I'm working more than full time. That needs to stop. I'm my own boss. I do not have to work 40 hours a week if I don't want to...which I don't. Yes, I need to build my business and that requires work - and time. But it should not have to come at the expense of my little boy and hubby.

It might take longer for me to build up my business...but that is just going to have be the way I work. Slower. And perhaps more deliberately.

I Know What You Know

Hubby is on a night schedule right now for work. I expected him home on Sunday morning at 4 a.m. At 5:30 a.m. I woke up (well, my bladder woke me up) and no hubby. This isn't as scary as it used to be because he knows better than to call me in the middle of the night now and when I wake up and he's not there as expected I call him.

When I call he says he's at the hospital and that it isn't him who is injured.

Well thank God for that!

There was an officer involved shooting early Sunday morning. It was one of hubby's friends and coworkers. Some loser decided it would be a laugh to lead officers on a high speed pursuit, then when cornered to try to ram the officer.

Nice. Hubby didn't get home until after 9 a.m. That is a 15 hour shift. :( I hate those.

Clearly this idiot had no regard for anyone else. His actions led an officer to shoot his firearm and wound the moron who then took off at a run. He was arrested a little later and taken to the hospital.

This officer has a family and friends. Shooting someone is not as easy as they make it look in the movies. It involves trauma to the shooter and his family that you may not realize.

The details that I'm sharing here are as much as I know, however, because hubby won't share anything else with me. I learned what I know from the news on Sunday morning. Hubby says that the matter is under investigation and if he told me anything, and then was asked if he told anyone, he'd have to say yes. And then I'd be liable to answer questions.

Okay, fine. I get that. I hate not knowing the details but I get it.

The officer, hubby's friend, is okay. His wounds were minor. But it could just as easily have been my hubby who caught the action that night. Just as easily been him to draw his gun (which he still has not had to do in 8 years as a Trooper) and now be on administrative leave while the investigation takes place.


This is why they train. Our State Troopers are first class. Hubby's sergeant even called to check on us - including me - to see how we were doing. Sergeant wasn't scheduled to be on duty for Sunday night but went out anyway to work with his men and make sure everyone was okay. Hubby was due to be out all by himself so I'm glad there were other Troopers out with him last night.

This morning when he got home I asked how his night was and he said "boring."

I said...I'm glad! :) Boring means safe. Exciting means danger. Thankfully, their jobs are pretty much boring most of the time. It's that small percentage of time where the excitement makes their jobs dangerous and sometimes deadly.

Please keep the officer's family and coworkers in your prayers. He's an A-Class guy who did his job to protect us law abiding folks.

Lemons to Lemonade

In the past couple of weeks I've been accused of being unrealistic about the state of the world. Maybe. Or maybe I am just optimistic in the strength, imagination, and determination of the human spirit.

I wasn't tagged for this particular meme, but I thought it would be fun to share my own lemon to lemonade experience.

When I was 20 years old I started working for a local city government. I had taken the job after working for a State agency for 4 years. Yes, I started working for the State at the age of 16. When I left I was a secretary and in my youth and ego I wanted something more prestigious.

The city job was billed as a sort of Office Manager and Assistant to a Director. It sounded perfect for me - organizing, keeping track of travel and expenses, running meetings. I love that kind of stuff.

Unfortunately the job turned out to be less Manager and more Assistant. And the Director was a world class git.

In case you weren't aware, I am not prone to kissing butt. I don't care if you're the Queen of England. You're still a human being and I am not going to alter my personality to please you. Granted, I've mellowed out slightly since I was 20. I do bite my sarcastic sense of humor back much more now. Back then I didn't have a very good filter for my tongue. :) This guy thought his poo didn't stink and expected quite a bit of butt kissing. So we definitely didn't get along.

Plus, 10 years ago I was not really aware of how my Depression worked and affected me. Nor did I have any idea that I'd been diagnosed bipolar. No clue. So some of my behavior was probably a little ... off.

After 9 months I was being written up for taking too many sick days. Now, my sick days were mine. There were no rules as to how many I could take or that I had to bank any of them. Sure I took too many and I should have fought harder through my depression like I do now. I rarely take a sick day just because I don't want to face the world nowadays.

Then on Valentine's Day 2000, nearly a year after I took the position that was boring me to tears, I was called into my manager's office (I was managed by a different person than I supported) and fired. Yes, fired. I'd never failed anything in my short life to that point. Okay...well I failed shop class in the 8th grade. Otherwise I was an overachiever.

You can imagine how devastated I was as I walked back into my office (oh yeah, everyone had their very own offices...I do miss that) and packed up my things. I fought to not cry but it didn't work.

This was a very traumatic and turbulent time in my life. I had broken up with my long time boyfriend (5 years) the summer before, moved apartments twice, and had just started dating this really handsome State Trooper (now my sweet hubby), and was living without a roommate and had rent to pay. I was working my way through school, paying my own tuition and taking classes at night and on the weekends (I soon started taking online courses from WSU).

And then to get FIRED. First place I went was back to the State agency I had left barely a year ago. I don't think the HR lady ever really liked me so my odds were slim and there were no openings at that time for me.

So I trudged home and landed at my then boyfriend's apartment. I sulked for the rest of the day. Ate quite a bit of chocolate and some ice cream. Cried a lot on the couch. For one day.

The next day I hopped online and wasted no time in applying for positions around the area, including a larger city 25 miles away. I would never in a gazillion years considered leaving my City job and applying for a new job so far away. I wasn't happy in my City job but I hadn't even once thought about leaving.

On February 16, just two days after being fired, I got a call from an HR person at this company (Company A) in 25 miles away city. Could I come in right away for an interview?

Um...YES! Just tell me when and where and I'll be there. So I got set up for the interview and actually had another interview with Company B that same day in the afternoon. (I didn't waste any time in trying to become re-employed.) While waiting at the second interview I got a call to ask if I could come BACK to Company A in a week for another interview. Um...yes please. Needless to say I was a bit distracted during the interview at Company B.

Let me tell you, Company A's interview process is BRUTAL. I was only interviewing for a project assistant type role - sort of a cross between an administrative assistant and project manager. It's fairly low on the totem pole. And even for that role I had FIVE interviews the second time around. The first interview was a proficiency exam and HR manager interview. The second one started with the HR manager. Then one with the supervisor. One with a panel of the other assistants who I would be working with (these are the ones you really need to impress). And finally one with each of the managers I might have been supporting (come to find out later they were hiring for two positions at once and weren't sure who would work with who).

Less than one week after this second round I was hired. =) And eight years later here I am...in a new role (a little higher up) but in the same company. If I hadn't gotten fired from the City I would never have found myself here. It is one of the best companies in the entire country. And I'm not just saying that. We're actually ranked ... something like the 11th (or there abouts) best small to medium company in Fortune magazine.

I believe that everything happens for a reason - even the bad stuff. Even the really bad stuff. From the time I was fired I was out of work for 3 weeks. It was devestating and embarrassing. But it happened for a very important reason. I always think we should look for the lemonade when life hands us a lemon.

Now to pass on the meme.

The Rules

LIFE GAVE ME SOME LEMONS - IT’S OK, I MADE DELICIOUS LEMONADE - MEME

Rules:
* Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
* Link back to person who tagged you.
* Write about an incident in your life you first thought was really bad, but ended up being a blessing.
* Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
* Let each person you tagged know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
(* And if you want to - link back to this original Lemonade Meme post too.)

I’m going to tag:

• Daisy at Daisy the Curly Cat I really want to know how a cat would make lemonade.
  
• Monique at Blogging MoRe - When she gets around to it. :) I know she's busy.
  
• Gigi at GigiBelts - I don't think her real name is Gigi...but I love her little belts.
  
• Mo at It's a Blog Eat Blog World - I am really curious what kind of lemonade he makes.
• Angelika at Angelika - Ya gotta have some lemonade right? :)
  
• Jillian of Jillian Approved - I just know I'm going to be laughing.
  

Do you have a Lemonade Moment you'd like to share? You can leave a comment and tell us about it, or if you're a blogger, link back here or to the original meme post and join the fun!

Anxiety

I'm so blessed (*sarcasm*). Not only am I BiPolar but I also can have a severe amount of anxiety. If you've ever had someone sit on your chest...that's pretty much how it feels. Like someone is sitting on my chest - a heavy, scary, suffocating feeling that won't go away and makes my whole body tense. It comes on randomly, not necessarily for any reason or cause. And if it lasts long enough it can bring me to tears and shaking as if I were standing naked in a snowstorm.

It's been happening more and more at work lately. Which sucks. Because I sort of need to concentrate here. I can't stand the politics and I often feel really stupid when it comes to "seeing the bigger picture". Some of the language people in higher up positions use is so ... not understandable. Talk to me like I'm 5, mmm kay?

Where as I try to get straight to the point...most meetings end up taking an hour while my coworker massages her message...to the point. I'm usually very confused about what the actual point was after such meetings. My boss is also one of those high level thinkers ... I rarely know what the heck he's talking about and I often feel very stupid. I sometimes cannot believe they hired me! I constantly have to ask questions in order to do my job.

And look out if I actually think I know what I'm doing because inevitably something will happen to prove me wrong. I've been in this same position for three years now and I still sometimes feel like I just started. *sigh*

45 minutes left to my day and I cannot wait to escape!

WIFM

Do you understand this sentence?

"Meet with the AM regarding the FMF and CMR to see if we can use RTC and RIML for the SG."

I swear that's how the last hour of my life has been! Acronyms drive me bonkers because only some people truly understand them. It's like talking on line...ROFL, LOL, WTH, et al.

But my new favorite acronym is .... WIFM. Can you guess what it stands for?

What's In it For Me!

ROFL HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Best thing to come out of that meeting for sure.

Not a Happy Camper

I love my job. I really do. It can be dull and boring at times...like now when I'm waiting on others for information.

One thing I certainly do NOT love is how "corporate" it's been getting. When I first started here, almost eight years ago, it was very associate oriented - family. It was about work but it was also about working together as a team. There weren't nearly as many "rules" and "regs" as have been implemented over the last few years.

The newest, and the one I'm fighting, is the "strongly recommended" "Respectful Workplace" training. I don't know how many more of these ridiculous trainings I can attend and I am fighting this one with every ounce of my being. I've been force fed this "diversity" crap since I was in Kindergarten. If it hasn't worked by now it certainly isn't going to work.

I have never ever ever been written up or even 'talked to' about being insensitive to others. Of course...I am not particularly sensitive when it comes to certain things. Like Christmas. I say Merry Christmas and if you don't like it you can bite me.

It ticks me off that I am "expected to take advantage" of this "opportunity" to learn how to maintain "an atmosphere free of discrimination and harassment". Seriously? I can't believe we are wasting money on something called a "Diversity & Inclusion Council" while trying at the same time to cut costs.

I'm almost 30 years old and was raised in a time of making sure all kids "got along". A laughable goal since most kids are just mean. I remember a TV commercial that was on when I was a kid - it was one of those public service commercials they played during Saturday morning cartoons. A white kid and a black kid were out at the pool together. Friends. No big deal. The white kid says something about getting burned but how his friend didn't have to worry about it because he was already so dark. At which point the black boy informed the white boy that he could burn and it wasn't a very nice thing for him to say. OMG.

Even then I thought it was a stupid commercial. If that's the worst thing a kid says to another kid we're doing pretty dang good. I didn't even realize there were such things as "black", "white", or "racist" until later in elementary school when I was TOLD that white people were racist. It was news to me.

I was a MEAN little girl. Especially after my dad died. And not one time did I ever hate or harass anyone because of their skin color. I was an equal opportunity bully. I pulled a girl's hair once. I'm not proud of it. I pulled her hair on the bus because I thought she was gross...and annoying. But then again I was a little brat. Someone should have pulled my hair. I certainly didn't discriminate in who I was mean to...my friends were from different backgrounds and colors and we were all mean to those who weren't part of our "clique".

So now my work is trying to force me to take a class to teach me to be respectful of others. If my mom didn't get through to me by the time I was 18 who thinks my work can do any better job? It is beyond insulting. Not only that, forced diversity training doesn't work. It just makes people bitter and angry at having to attend such insipid and unnecessary meetings that take away from their real job.

I'm just so ticked off that my work is even wasting money on this kind of thing - that's money that could be applied to bonuses. They're suspending raises this year but throwing money down the toilet for this kind of crap.

No...I'm not the most sensitive person. But I am also not a racist. I'm not disrespectful to anyone because of who they are or what they look like. If I'm disrespectful it's usually because we're all joking around...and it's usually to my boss! Then again he's a white male so I guess it's okay to be mean to him right?

Arg!!!