Losing It

So, I've been having a difficult time lately with my anxiety and depression. Last night I lost it. I feel really bad for my husband. He sort of kicked off my break.

He was washing pots for dinner and knocked over my jar of pickle (a *mild* acid used for removing firescale from silver) and flipped out because he thinks it's going to kill us all. I made the mistake of calling it an acid at one point and he did not like that. Really it's not that bad - I mean, I wouldn't want to bathe in it or anything but I can stick my hand in there if I really had to and wouldn't be too bad off.

Anyway, he started yelling and I got mad because he's the one that knocked it over. And when we start yelling we really yell. You'd think someone was being beaten but we're just loud. But when I'm on the edge already sometimes it doesn't take all that much to cause me to crash. It's not his fault (normally I can just tell him to shut the hell up and be done with it) but the situation just hit me.

If you've never known anyone with anxiety or manic depression (bipolar) it's a little freaky to see them lose it. In the past I have punched walls. In this instance I had a hammer! LOL I was hammering some silver before the spill and afterward I was pounding that hammer on the steel block with all my strength. I think I scared hubby.

Losing control is difficult and extremely painful. And exhausting. It's a rush of energy that feels like it will take control - and it's usually an angry energy that wants to scream, hit, punch, kick, bite, and escape. Don't worry - I've never hit or hurt anyone else. Just myself. This time I found myself holding my breath and squeezing my head as hard as I could. Not sure why...I've never done that before. But I didn't really want to punch a wall. I was trying really hard not to cry but of course that's impossible. They are angry, hot, unwanted tears that are squeezed out of eyes shut so tight they hurt. My knuckles were so tight that my fingernails left marks in my palms. I wanted to pull out my hair...it was like I was fighting an internal demon, trying to stop myself from doing any harm.

It lasted about 3-4 minutes. Hubby left me alone (I had found my way into the bathroom by this time) and that's probably best. As much as I *want* him to come "help" there's nothing he can do and I am a little worried about what I'd say or do if he tried to "help" ... sometimes his way of helping is to say "get over it." ... Yeah, that's not so helpful.

When it gets to this point, taking medication doesn't really help. If I had taken it (I should have obviously) just five or ten minutes before this snap I probably wouldn't have flipped out. I just hate taking pills. I already have to take medication every night. So of course when he asked me if I'd taken my pill I got ticked because I hadn't but I didn't need to be reminded of that fact.

Finally the rage and energy left ... I can't even describe how these things happen. If you've never experienced it you might think it's all just in my head. But trust me. I could not control myself - or I could, but only to a point. It was a fight to not hurt myself. I won. :) I usually win. When it's "over" I am exhausted. Like I just ran five miles at full speed. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my entire body feels like jello. It truly is exhausting.

That's the point when hubby can come in and hug me because he knows it's over. I'm sure he feels helpless and that probably drives him nuts. He's a typical guy...he wants to fix things. And he can't "fix" me. Finally, after eight years together, I think he gets that. When I first tried to explain to him my disease (and yes it is a disease...it's no different than having Diabetes...it's a chemical imbalance that I have no control over except through medication, nutrition, and sleep) he didn't get it and did not understand why I needed medication. I had a boyfriend who once convinced me to stop taking my meds...yeah, he changed his mind after about two weeks. =D

I feel fine now. And even while I felt like I was falling off a cliff last night I managed to complete two orders. I definitely consider myself a "functional" bipolar...I have a very close family member who is not so functional. They aren't diagnosed bipolar, but they do have such severe anxiety that even leaving the house can be impossible. I haven't had any episodes like that in years - thank God. And even the kind of break I had last night is generally rare with me - at least not in this extreme. The last 'big' one I had was in November 2006 and it was bad. But I'll write about that later.

If you know someone who has depression, anxiety, or some other "mental" disorder - don't treat them like they're fragile or like there's something wrong with them. I never use my disease as an 'excuse'. I accept what it is and do what I need to do to cope and survive. But being Bipolar does not make me crazy or unaccountable for my actions. I still have responsibilities to meet and thankfully the logic part of my brain tries to fight forward in the breaking moments.

This has become a ridiculously long post. I hope no one thinks badly of me. My goal in talking about this is to try to raise awareness. To help others understand. I had a coworker tell me once that anyone who killed themselves was obviously selfish and pathetic. She didn't understand how anyone could do that. I told her - I understand it and I've tried it. You should have seen the look on her face. Utter shock. I'm such a happy and positive person ... normally.

You never know what is going on underneath the surface.

Anxiety

I'm so blessed (*sarcasm*). Not only am I BiPolar but I also can have a severe amount of anxiety. If you've ever had someone sit on your chest...that's pretty much how it feels. Like someone is sitting on my chest - a heavy, scary, suffocating feeling that won't go away and makes my whole body tense. It comes on randomly, not necessarily for any reason or cause. And if it lasts long enough it can bring me to tears and shaking as if I were standing naked in a snowstorm.

It's been happening more and more at work lately. Which sucks. Because I sort of need to concentrate here. I can't stand the politics and I often feel really stupid when it comes to "seeing the bigger picture". Some of the language people in higher up positions use is so ... not understandable. Talk to me like I'm 5, mmm kay?

Where as I try to get straight to the point...most meetings end up taking an hour while my coworker massages her message...to the point. I'm usually very confused about what the actual point was after such meetings. My boss is also one of those high level thinkers ... I rarely know what the heck he's talking about and I often feel very stupid. I sometimes cannot believe they hired me! I constantly have to ask questions in order to do my job.

And look out if I actually think I know what I'm doing because inevitably something will happen to prove me wrong. I've been in this same position for three years now and I still sometimes feel like I just started. *sigh*

45 minutes left to my day and I cannot wait to escape!

Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I feel so out of the loop. I have no real friends in my personal life. I have my mom and family and husband. But at my upcoming birthday party, there will be no non-family members. No "best friends" that have to attend. Just family.

I recently saw a great line... "I love my computer. It's where all my friends live." And I find that SO very true! Although I have gotten to the point in a couple friendships where we've met in person and some where we chat on the phone (Thanks JenC, Nicole, & Rhonda!). Because seriously...without these interactions I'd be totally and utterly alone.

It kind of makes me want to cry ... although JenC will tell you that I'm way too tough for that. Except when I'm not. The times when I'm on a downward slide and feeling incredibly sad, paranoid, depressed. I feel one of those times coming on. I hate those times because they generally follow a pretty upbeat and happy time.

Despite my recent headaches I've been doing pretty good. Granted, I haven't been super inspired to make new jewelry but otherwise I'd been doing decently. Right now I don't feel decent.

I feel frustrated...and a little angry. There's no reason why. On the outside I do appear to be keeping it together. But inside I am sobbing and throwing a fit. It's very frustrating. Being super tired doesn't help things either. It really does aggravate things.

This is part of being Bipolar. Sometimes it just hits me full force all of a sudden and sometimes it sneaks up on me slowly. Today, if I'd been paying attention, I'd have noticed that the signs were there. But I didn't.

There's no reason for the way I feel. No logical or tangible reason. It's a chemical thing and difficult to control or predict.

Thankfully, this doesn't feel like a massive one. I'm still able to think fairly clearly and 'fake' it at work. I feel like curling up in a little ball and crying but I won't. Until I get home tonight. :) Then I can be "oh whoa is me" until tomorrow when I have to suck it up and get back to work!

The Perfect Storm

This week has been brutal. The perfect storm of incidents to make it miserable.

It probably started last weekend - I had a craft show on Friday night and Saturday. I knew it would be slow - my prices are too high for this demographic - but I'd signed up for it earlier in the year and didn't want to cancel. So that felt like a waste of time, even though I did have a few sales.

No time to relax on Sunday because I got swamped with bead orders and three jewelry orders. Which is fabulous! But also stressful. And my mom needed my help in showing her car to someone (she was on vacation) which took several hours.

Monday rolls around and my 'real' job is uber-stressful. It normally is challenging and I love that. But sometimes I get requests that frustrate and stress me out. Monday night I packed a bunch of bead orders and got read to go to the post office on Tuesday.

Now, one of those perfect storm things is building...I am bipolar (something I will blog at length about later) and there are times when I am very "UP" and other times when I'm very "down"...most of the time I'm pretty much in the middle. Unfortunately, one of these icky down times decided to hit me Monday and lasted until Wednesday. *sigh*

So, not only am I very down at the time, but after going to the post office on Tuesday I realize that I had screwed up at least two of the bead orders. :( I sent the wrong beads to one person, and left out one person's beads all together! I couldn't find another person's beads that she'd ordered so I had to go apologize and issue a refund for that. I ended up refunding at least three orders and still sending the beads out. Which is fine...they are destash items ... but I hate messing up!

Thankfully, by later Wednesday my mood wasn't nearly so down (though still not up by any means) and I was able to focus and work on getting several more bead orders ready to ship on Thursday.

Thursday I get a call that another person's beads had broken in transit. ARG!!! What next? What else can go wrong?

Oh but wait...standing in line at the post office Thursday took forever and I was late for my dentist appointment. So they decided to reschedule me. *sigh* This was the last straw for my husband who flipped out and demanded that I slow down.

HA! I don't know the meaning of the word relax and he wants me to slow down. No - sir - ee. If it weren't for my down moment I probably could have handled this week better. Unfortunately all the little things added up and really hit me hard.

So I am beyond grateful for the weekend. I am also grateful for my friends online (I don't have many in the real world LOL) who sent encouraging messages and prayed for me. I know that those prayers helped!!!