Friday, February 29, 2008

Sometimes I Get Depressed

Sometimes I feel so out of the loop. I have no real friends in my personal life. I have my mom and family and husband. But at my upcoming birthday party, there will be no non-family members. No "best friends" that have to attend. Just family.

I recently saw a great line... "I love my computer. It's where all my friends live." And I find that SO very true! Although I have gotten to the point in a couple friendships where we've met in person and some where we chat on the phone (Thanks JenC, Nicole, & Rhonda!). Because seriously...without these interactions I'd be totally and utterly alone.

It kind of makes me want to cry ... although JenC will tell you that I'm way too tough for that. Except when I'm not. The times when I'm on a downward slide and feeling incredibly sad, paranoid, depressed. I feel one of those times coming on. I hate those times because they generally follow a pretty upbeat and happy time.

Despite my recent headaches I've been doing pretty good. Granted, I haven't been super inspired to make new jewelry but otherwise I'd been doing decently. Right now I don't feel decent.

I feel frustrated...and a little angry. There's no reason why. On the outside I do appear to be keeping it together. But inside I am sobbing and throwing a fit. It's very frustrating. Being super tired doesn't help things either. It really does aggravate things.

This is part of being Bipolar. Sometimes it just hits me full force all of a sudden and sometimes it sneaks up on me slowly. Today, if I'd been paying attention, I'd have noticed that the signs were there. But I didn't.

There's no reason for the way I feel. No logical or tangible reason. It's a chemical thing and difficult to control or predict.

Thankfully, this doesn't feel like a massive one. I'm still able to think fairly clearly and 'fake' it at work. I feel like curling up in a little ball and crying but I won't. Until I get home tonight. :) Then I can be "oh whoa is me" until tomorrow when I have to suck it up and get back to work!


Jennifer said...

*big squishy hugs* to you Megan!!!! Keep your chin up girl!!! I'm praying for if you need to.

Crystal said...

Ah Megan, this struck a chord with me because I feel like I'm spiraling down into a depressive episode too, though mine is circumstantial at least mostly and not chemical. I'm up and down and all over the place lately. It's not much fun. Except, I'm not tough and I *do* cry. I'm such a girl. :o)

All of my real friends live inside my computer as well. Without a couple of them, I don't even want to know what a mess I'd be.

I hope you feel better soon. (((hugs)))